2016 Review: Tinder Nightmares

The first quarter of 2016 I decided that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try out online dating. I mean, what did I have to lose? One of my very good friends met their soon to be husband on there!

I actually got the idea from an old high school friend who had called me up out of the blue one day. He shared his experience with dating and when he needed a distraction he caved and gave Tinder a try and ended up loving it.

I was literally 5 days into Tinder and I had exactly 47 people in my inbox … FOURTY SEVEN!

I remember sitting in Maggie’s apartment counting them all and thinking how overwhelming 47 dates were going to be. If I went on every single date I would have been busy for about half the year! Not to mention I would be 40 pounds heavier.

I decided to break it down and get a system going. I had a special question about cargo pants that I would ask the people I wasn’t so sure about. And based on their answer I would decide if it was worth something pursuing. Don’t get me wrong, there were a few guys who stood out almost immediately so it wasn’t a complete lost cause!

Wait. What’s that you ask? You want to know what my cargo pant question was?

I would ask the guys what they would carry in their pockets and if they were to answer anything along the lines of, “well, I carry this in mine…” NEXT! Haha

Judge me. Go ahead. Who needs pockets that big? Gross.

Now, my super awesome question I would ask wasn’t a 100% sure thing filter. And just to save the embarrassment of these souls, I’m going to rename them because I am Facebook friends with most of them.

Trevor was the very first guy I went on a date with and he was quite charming. That was short lived because he told me he had a timeline of when he wanted “life” to happen. I can barely remember to shave my legs. BYYE.

Then there was Grant. Grant came to pick me up. Instead of patiently waiting for me to come out of my house he decided he would take it upon himself to come to the door. He had one job in that moment. All he had to do was wait in the car. Losing points, Grant! As soon as I let him inside my house that mother trucker took his shirt right off. WHAT! Seriously, what is wrong with people. I get told I look like a bitch when people first meet me so the boldness of this guy was something to admire but not when it came to that. BYYE.

How could I forget about Brandon? Brandon was my super arrogant corporate lawyer. Yes, he was easy on the eyes but holy hell was he a superficial douchebag. He liked sitting weirdly close and talking super low. His hands were fidgety and he wore so much cologne. He had the brightest wardrobe I have ever seen and every article of clothing had some animal hidden on them. Serious Dexter vibes from that one. BYYE.

Ahh… then my aunt and I had a favorite one named Tom. Tom had two pugs that he liked to pose with. I mean the guy would sit in a bubble bath and have those dogs sitting on each ledge like those lion statues. BYYE.

Owen liked to dress like a snow man. Apparently, he went to holiday party in a white shirt and put back felt circles down his shirt to make him look like a snowman and he said it was his staple look. BYYE.

Can’t forget Alex!! He was a police office. He sent me a lot of videos while he was on patrol of the kids he would hang out with. He was actually a really great guy until he drunk text me asking which one I was. BYYE.

Speaking of drunk texting… sweet, sweet Trent had an unhealthy obsession with Spiderman. He would send me memes of Spiderman posing sexual and saying super weird shit. You best believe me when I tell you that I screened shot those messages so fast and threw them in a group chat with my girlfriends. My Spidey senses told me to say, BYYE.

AND PAUL! Paul didn’t last long because I could tell he was a stage 5 clinger. Our date lasted maybe 15 minutes. Crazy how convenient family emergencies are 😉 I remember the last message he sent me was asking if I was emotionally available to date him. BYYE.

I could go on forever.

How did these horrible dates help shape my 2016? They taught me to not take life so seriously (like I had a choice with these goofballs). I learned that if I just took life one day at a time, my day would end with some hilarious screen shots and wtf moments with a few situations like, “I can’t believe I said that drunk.” I found my inner child that was playful and carefree. I learned that it was ok to go out and get a drink on a Tuesday night. I learned that I really could go into teaching because I can repeat the same shit repeatedly. I have spent almost my whole life in a relationship. I have only had a handful of first dates. Some I hardly remember. It was nice to sit in front of total strangers and study the face of someone I didn’t know who could have potentially been the last face I saw before I died. The rush of not knowing if it was about to be the best night of my life or if I was going to end up in a body bag filled with cement as I plummeted to the bottom of the ocean was a thrill…

Speaking for myself, life does go on after a serious heartbreak. It may take a while but eventually you get to that light at the end of the tunnel. I also learned that I didn’t have to tackle those tunnels alone. My friends and family were so amazing with helping me move forward.

The key is to surround yourself with people who love you. Find those people and hang on to them tightly. Then open a Tinder account and get a group chat ready for screen shots. You will not regret it 😉

One thought on “2016 Review: Tinder Nightmares

  1. I tried Tinder too, and it was a fiasco. Not as bad as OKCupid though. I’m so happy to leave online dating back in 2013. BUT, you’re right, I know so, SO many people who have met long-term boyfriends and husbands online, and it baffles me! Maybe you need to hang in there and have a follow-up question to the cargo pants one!


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