These past few weeks I’ve been fighting this monster inside my head. I was in the shower one evening and halfway through this incredible amount of weight was dumped on me. I literally had to sit down and catch my breath. The following days it got heavier and heavier. I was unable to control my emotions and felt like a total loser because I was crying at everything. Everything being stupid things like commercials, not having a full lemon in the fridge because I used half of it the night before, grabbing a fork instead of a spoon… it was out of control. And anyone who knows me, knows that I always have complete control at all times.
I didn’t think that I would end up in therapy without any major life changes. No one has died. No breakup. No loss of friends. No major weight-gain. Everything was going so smoothly then WHAM! Isn’t that annoying how that always happens? What frustrates me the most is that I tried hard to not expect anything to go wrong.
My anxiety and self-doubt consumes me and once it starts running, I can’t catch it. I sit there paralyzed watching it get further and further ahead. Once I feel like it’s too far, I shut down. I closed people out and the only place I want to be is alone in my apartment where I can’t bother anyone.
I worry that my personality is too much for people. I worry that I might be too loud or outspoken. I worry that I talk too much. I worry that I may be too happy and people think I’m not being genuine. I worry that people think I’m rude when I can’t take a compliment. I worry that people only want to do what I want to do because they think it would make me happy. I worry that I’m not putting enough effort in my friendships. I worry that when people don’t text me back they really didn’t want to make plans to begin with or talk to me. I worry that my humor is too dark. I worry that I exhaust everyone that loves me. I worry that I will never be unconditionally loved. I worry that I will never let anyone know my heart 100% I worry that if anyone knew all the dark corners in my heart they would judge me… feel sorry for me… become too eager to help. I worry that someone might depend on me for a lot of things and I will let them down. Sometimes, I don’t feel like I deserve forgiveness. I don’t feel like I deserve the family I have or any of my friends.
I see everyone living their lives like they have it all figured out and it sends my brain into this spiral. It’s as if I’m being left behind even though I’m not. The feeling of forcing myself to get out there and have fun is so taxing. I don’t want to do any of it. I want to blame all of this on my birthday coming up but I know it’s much bigger than that. I know that 28 does not mean a damn thing.
Breaking down barriers that I’ve worked on for 20+ years to build has been quite the emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately, I’m not comfortable talking about it out loud yet. However, finally pinpointing the root of my awesome talent of not being able to finish anything has been a huge weight off my shoulders. It has affected my friendships, relationships, my family, academics, career(s), and the way I see myself.
Those of you who have struggled with a loud negative voice inside your head probably know all too well about how loud it can get in there. You know how it doesn’t let you sleep. You know that it finds all your flaws in the mirror. You know that it agrees with all the negative things people have ever said to you and it doesn’t let you feel happiness. It’s like being wrapped tightly in a huge wool blanket and your whole body is itching like crazy but you are too constricted that you can’t itch…you can’t relieve even the tiniest bit of your discomfort.
My strategies have been my lifeline these past two weeks. Writing about my feelings and addressing issues head on. Making lists and staring at the girl in my reflection and telling her how wonderful she is. Knowing what my triggers are has made my days so much easier.
One day at a time, right?
“Mad Matter: “Have I gone mad?”
Alice: “I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”
― Tim Burton,